So, I have completed the first two days of P90X and I'm pretty stoked. I mean, don't get me wrong, I got my ass handed to me in Plyo today, but I secretly love it. In all my years of drinking and peeing outside, I've never done so many squats in my life. I know I am going to be sore as fuck in the morning, but I feel strong and energetic. This new house is awesome. I am hopefully finishing our yoga/workout room this week. It should be super cute with fun hippie tapestries and a good energy to it.  I'll post some pics as soon as it's done. It's going to be a long 90 days, but until I start getting laid or find something else to pass the very little free time I have, I'll see this through. Also, I have self-diagnosed bouts of Aspergers where I get an idea to do something crazy, just to prove to myself I am tough enough to do it. I then kick said task's ass, then I'm done with it. Hopefully, when I finish this, I'll do a triathlon or a Tough Mudder or something badass. I'd hate to let all this hard work go to waste. Getting naked with someone  would also be a suitable outcome.....

I'm back, bitches.

In sept, I stopped my summertime diet of PBR and Taco Bell, mostly due to feeling like a sluggish, bloated piece of shit everyday. Due to my awful amount of food intolerances, I have been juicing and eating a mostly raw diet for the past 30 days. I am down 25 lbs since august and no longer have headaches thst last for days, feel like i have arthritis, feel onstantly lethargic and sluggish, look like my belly is 6 months pregnant due to insane bloating, etc People think I'm crazy for eliminating so many foods, but I really feel like shit when I eat wheat, sugar, dairy, alcohol, etc. I have started writing about my daily progress, but will spare you all the gross details of my detoxing, but I have been feeling awesome and am ready to kick ass at some P90X and running.
I will be posting periodically about my progress, mostly to make myself accountable for seeing this through if I am posting. If you don't want to see or read about this, don't. I'm also hoping this will prompt me to start writing more asshole rants again since I will be on here more often.
So, until I start getting laid and/or find something better to do with my time, you're getting this. If you're not interested, fuck off. You should be.

i'm back. almost

Hello, all my faithful followes (all seven of you),
I've been thinking about coming back here recently. I have had a severe lack of motivation to write and havent been in the right mood... except for sitting in church on Christmas Eve. Man, did I have a lot to write about there, but I'm tired as shit. This move has been exhausting, but a lot of fun at the same time. I'm getting to FINALLY have a fun, creative living environment that is mine and I can do whatever the hell I'd like with it, including painting my kitchen bright turquoise.
Anyway, I'll be back soon, hopefully full of more assholeish things to say.
Kit real, kidz!

See? THIS broad gets it!

/What every girl should do in her twenties...

You must have missed me terribly...

Sorry I've been gone for so long, but I've been really busy doing important things.... like drinking, kicking ass in lawn darts and grilling meat. We have hosted entirely too many parties here this summer. Not too many in the sense that we're tired of daytime drinking, but because every one of our friends has moved on to bigger and better things.

In other news, our trashball neighbors have a rat that my roommate has affectionately named Bishop Brennen. I believe he may be a distant relative of Fuckbag, the raccoon that lived in dumpster of my old apt. We liked Fuckbag so much, we even wrote a song about him. Bishop Brennen? Not so much. I've actually never seen this thing. Roommate may be full of shit.

The house is falling apart. The doors are all kinds of fucked up, but when we call our slumlord over to peep it out, he says "Yeeeeah. We're not really looking to replace any doors right now. These are fine." REALLY?? Which part of the door looks fine? The broken venetian glass slots (had to remove the glass because the duct tape was no longer holding them in), the ripped screen, or the NONEXISTENT HANDLE!???  If you can find something NOT retarded about this door, then you're a better human being.

Also, we have a 75 year old porcelain bathtub, which no matter how many times we scrub/bleach/scour/oxy clean, the bottom stays filthy. The plus side to this permanent filth is the permanent filth has formed a phallic shape on the bottom of the tub.

Awesome, right??

Are you Hungry for Learning Piano?

While looking for a new church job online tonight, I ran across this dickbag who claims to be able to Teach Piano. In fact, if you print this out, you can get %50 off your fist lesson. First of all, I refuse to pay anyone to fist me. Would I accept money in exchange for the fisting? That is negotiable.

Second of all, who is the grammatically incorrect asshole that Capitalizes unnecessarily?? This is almost as "annoying" as people who put "everything" in quotes.

Third. Some idiot parent is going to send their kids to the this guy. Said parents will call me sometime down the road asking me to teach their kid. Kid has already been playing for five years and is pissed when I make him basically start over and learn how to play the piano correctly. It's a miserable uphill battle whenever a student comes from a teacher who has no business teaching. Unfortunately, there are WAY more unqualified teachers who do more harm than good than teachers who actually know what they're doing. Yes, we usually cost more, but seriously. If you're going to do it, do it right.

Finally, I'm concerned for this guy. Does he have pica? He's eating a fucking keyboard.

I'm sooo tempted to call this guy for a lesson. How can I resist? I get %50 off my fisting.  Anyone who knows me, knows my philosophy is to try anything twice, though this I may stop at one.
I'll keep you posted.

Hungry for Music?

---

I will teach you piano in the most effective way for you personally...
Everyone learns differently so I never teach two students the same...
Let me Help you unlock your true Music Potential...

CALL NOW to set up your first lesson...
If you print this add and bring it with you,
you'll save %50 OFF your fist lesson 

Special Delivery!

So, I come home from a ridiculously early rehearsal to find a priority mail package on my porch. I had ordered a prison hooch making kit from a friend's company. He threw in a few special bonus sample camoflauge condoms for me! I told him it was like feeding a stray dog... he's never getting rid of me now!

Let me just tell you. Finding a present like this at on your doorstep @ 9am sets the pace for awesomeness the rest of the day. I could care less about what else does or doesn't happen. This is a win.
Who's in for a party??!!