So, a coworker and I went to a organ company's reception following a loooooooong day schmoozing with the bigwigs in high heels. All we wanted was food.And free booze. The way receptions are SUPPOSED to work is everyone patiently tolerates a 30 minute awards ceremony, unveiling of the new product line, blah. Apparently, this company didn't get the memo. The were introduced by the MC like they were the starting lineup of the Lakers. One overly zealous middle aged female dealer in the audience (who undoubtedly enjoys Jim Brickman music) even stood up in support of the single female on staff and yelled "you go girl!" I shook my head in disbelief.
Following NBA style introductions, we continued to politely clap while prehistoric man after prehistoric man accepted their awards for overpriced circus organs. Thirty minutes into the reception, we're ready to eat. But wait. Someone is handing out 3-D glasses to everyone at their banquet tables. Yes, you read that correctly. 3-D glasses. WTF!? Mind you, we're at a banquet for keyboard instruments. Not Godzilla. I get really excited because I know that this is just going to be awful.
I was wrong. It wasn't awful. It was ATROCIOUS. All I remember of this fiasco shown on a power point screen was a 3-D style presidential style portrait of the deceased owner/namesake of the company came to life. He began talking to us as he crept forward out of the gaudy rococo style picture frame. All the superfans in the audience oooh'd and ahhh'd enthusiastically. Again, I just shook my head in disbelief as the banquet was snowballing rapidly into hell. Movie ends and people nearly bring down the house with enthusiasm. Really? I feel like I'm trapped in an hour long SNL skit. I again shake my head in disbelief. The dealer beside me leans over and said "I'd ask for my money back, but this was free. Can we call Domino's?" I told him to make it Del Taco and it's a deal.
We should be ready to eat, right? Wrong. We still have five ginormous organs to unveil. They are currently covered in some spaceship looking silver lamé fabric. Sorry I didn't get any pictures of this. They introduce two of the organs, which are from the church line. Two unveiled at once, awesome. Now we're making progress. A gentlemen with a pedophile mustache runs up to the stage like he's going in for Lamar Odom. He plays about 372 verses of variations on some schlocky Protestant hymn, each verse demonstrating all the magical things this organ can do. Valiant effort, but it still sounds like carnival music. After his grand finale of pulling out all the stops, (no pun intended. Merrr....) I think we are going to move on to the second organ in the church music line. No such luck. Hot mess platinum blond woman Koby Bryant wannabe comes running up, high fiving everyone on her way to the stage to play yet ANOTHER awful arrangement of more crap that makes Pepper Choplin sound like the Beethoven of choral arranging. But wait. There's more. These people paid good money for rental of the screen they used for the 3-D movie and you bet they are going to get their moneys worth. There is now a corresponding music video of Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire waltzing along to the beautiful of the organ sounds like the ugly stepsister a calliope.
INTERJECTION- I am sitting outside at the pool of the Hilton, and the man five chaise loungers down is laying out in swim trumks, high ankle socks and tennis shoes. Who lays out at the pool with freaking tennis shoes on?? I wish I had my camera out here. I would totally include him in this rant. Ok. I just took a pic with my phone. Better than nothing, I suppose.
So, back to the reception from hell. So, fast forward 20 minutes later. We finally unveil the final two organs together. I just backspaced profanities. Trying to think of a colorful, yet non obscene way to describe what I witnessed. I guess I would compare these beasts to the control station at NASA. I have never seen such a sight with so many light bars, light up buttons, bells and whistles. Literally. Sensory freaking overload. The hot mess of a woman demonstrating this described a new feature in the pedals that she referred to as "The Faker." It took everything in my power refrain from raising my hand asking her if the name of this model was The Woman. I thought that may be inappropriate, though I doubt anyone would have even paid attention as we were already two hours into the reception. Even the people who were peetheirpants excited were talking amongst themselves, taking advantage of the open bar and playing on their phones.
So, two hours and fifteen minutes later, the circus finally ended and we were allowed to eat. I don't even remember how the trainwreck ended. I disgusted as I was about having to be there, part of me loved this amazing comical (although unintentional- I'm apparently a horrible person by finding this to be hysterical). I wish I hadn't chosed that night to give my liver the night off. I could have been hammered on such an empty stomach. It has by far been the most entertaining evening of the weekend thus far.
Ok, back to the pool. This laptop is going to give me stupid tan lines on my legs. As if the Jersey Shore spray tan I got before I left the miserable Midwest didn't give me have awkward lines to begin with, but it's also wearing off in a weird leper-like fashion.. This is my last morning of lounging the pool, having car doors opened for me and amazing breakfasts brought to me by sweet adorable men named Julio and Jesus. I love those boys. I'm going to miss them.
